Mom Hacks: So you are Having a Baby!

Congratulations – you are having a baby! Maybe you planned it. Maybe you didn’t. Maybe you decided it was time because the loss of your job due to the global financial crisis and the increased time on your hands seemed like the perfect situation in which is bring another human into the world.  Whatever your reason, a small being will be coming out of your body (or your wife’s/surrogate’s/casual sexual encounter’s body) in a few short months so it is definitely time to prepare.  Now, you might hear from parents whose kids are already outside of their body that being a parent is hard – lack of sleep, lack of money, lack of self-time, etc….  But that is just because they have not figured out the babyhacks I am about to share with you.  That’s right, there are many ways to hack a baby that will fix all of your potential infant related problems!

1.         Baby Names.  This is perhaps the most important thing you will do for your new baby and for yourself.  Obviously, you want to pick a cool name so that people think that not only are you cool enough to pick that cool name for your cool baby.  And when the baby gets older everyone will think he is cool simply by virtue of his/her cool name.  So, no Toms, Johns, Jens or Tiffanys allowed.  Take a cue from the current celebrities – name your baby after a quirky object, month or food like Banjo or January or Apple.  Alternatively find an obscure literary or biblical character like Viola or Zebulan.  However, if you really want to do it right, name your baby after that which will make your life easier.  Yes, I am strongly advocating you name your new baby Hack.  Boy or girl I think you see why this is a great idea.  Alright, you can modify it to Hackina if you really feel like it needs to be femmed up a bit.

2.         Baby Gear.  There is a reason stores like Babies R Us exist and are so fucking huge.  No, it is not, as you may think, because the commercialization of procreation has sucked the authentic, homemade soul out of preparing for a baby.  It is because you need EVERYTHING in those stores.  From baby sleep positioners to $800 strollers, all of this crap will make taking care of a baby so much easier.  I know what you are thinking: don’t mothers in tribal Africa get by with a swatch of cloth, a pile of leaves and maybe, maybe something to strap the kids to their backs with?  Well, yes, but it ain’t easy nor does it look very swanky.  So, my tip for you is to buy, beg, borrow or steal as much of this baby gear as possible.  Baby showers, especially for a first baby, are an excellent way to collect massive amounts of baby gear.  If no one will give you a shower, feel free to throw your own and be sure to include lots of hints about where you are registered and what you need in your adorable invitation which should have some combination of rubber ducky, safety pin and diaper images on them.  Baby shower hack:  games which involve making fun of the size of the soon to be mother’s belly and/or how disgusting baby poop is are always a hit!

3.         Giving Birth.  This hack is more for the supportive birth partner and/or close friends of the pregnant woman (especially a first-time mother).  Understand that a pregnant woman will read many, many books about having a baby and many, many of those books promote natural, drug-free labors and even might suggest such births take place in a birthing center or even at home.  Understand that after reading such books a first time mother will inevitably conclude that it is best for the baby if she “toughs it out” during labor and does it “naturally.”  She might even go so far as to create a “birth plan” where she says she wants to avoid a C-Section, not get any drugs and hold a mirror up to her hoo-ha when the baby starts coming out.  To all of this, supportive birth partner and/or close friends, your duty is to say this, and only this: “That sounds great!”  Now, you know that upon the first contraction she will curl up into a ball of pathetic goo and beg like a beaten dog for a damn epidural while you frantically drive to the hospital as she has demanded you to do. You know that the last thing ANYONE wants to see is a woman’s hoo-ha with a baby coming out of it(*).  You KNOW that things are happening so fast and under so much stress in labor, especially first labors, that the birth plan will be used for, if anything, an object to throw at the supportive birth partner/close friend, in the midst of labor craziness.  However, trust me, a pregnant Mom who is convinced she will have a wonderful drug-free labor in the comfort of an inflatable pool in her living room is not to be trifled with.  So just agree and then do what needs to be done with the shit actually hits the fan.  And remember to duck if she picks up the birth plan!

4.         Pregnancy Pictures.  If you are pregnant be sure to always put your hand or your partner’s hand on your belly when pictures are taken of you.  That way, people will know you are pregnant and not just crazy fat.

5.         Newborn Stage.  Pregnancy is a tropical vacation compared to the newborn stage.  You are getting used to a new person, that same new person does nothing but eat and cry and sleep and cry and cry and cry and cry and poop.  There is all this baby gear all over the house getting in the way.  Oh yeah, and you named this new person the stupidest name ever: Mowgli.  Who the hell names their kid Mowgli?  Now you have to think about the Jungle Book every time you say your kid’s name.  You don’t even like the Jungle Book, just that talking bear but you saw in the Disney version.  To make it all worse, you and/or your wife looked at her hoo-ha during the birth, and now you are both pretty sure that you will NEVER have sex with each other again.  It’s rough.  I know.  I’ve been there.  My only hack is to just do it.  Get through it.  It will be over eventually because, hey, maternity/paternity leave doesn’t last forever!

6.         Kids in General.  The most important thing to remember when thinking about raising your own kids is that you probably had a pretty crappy childhood yourself and you turned out OK.  The easiest, best, most efficient way to raise kids is definitely to enjoy the ride, enjoy your kids and try to do your best not to screw them up too bad (i.e., keep them away from porn at an early age, don’t yell at them/belittle them too much, don’t press them into a professional golf career at the age of three).  Otherwise, keep buying as much baby/kid gear as possible.  I cannot tell you how many times that wipe warmer came in really, really handy.

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*  Most.important.hack.ever: Do not, I repeat, do not watch the video in the birth class.  It will freak you the fuck out!

Unemployment Hacks

image from groensint

It’s no secret that people are having a hard time out there with finding a job. We here at Hacks for Life ™ feel your pain. There are some tricks to making your unemployed life easier. Here is a general guide to being unemployed.

1. dannerbanner’s T-shirt hack. I don’t know about you, but I like to wear a shirt during the day, as well as at night. I have never been able to sleep without wearing a shirt. It was partly because when I was a teenager I had really bad body acne and it helped keep me from picking at it; but I also just don’t like touching my body. It reminds me that I am sleeping alone, and will probably be sleeping alone most nights of my brief time on this planet. Thus, I have two sets of t-shirts: t-shirts for the day, and t-shirts for the night. If I keep a t-shirt on during the night, I don’t like to wear it the next day because it smells like, well, it’s been slept in. On the other hand, I don’t like to wear my “day” shirts at night, because they get stretched out and wear out faster. But here’s a trick: since I’m unemployed and I know I won’t be seeing anybody anyway, then I can just wear one shirt the whole day. The trick is to wear a shirt that you would wear usually only to bed. This way you don’t have to change shirts when you go to bed. This makes life a little easier.

2. Look for jobs hack. Probably a good idea.

3. dannerbannder’s Grub and drinks hack. Because you don’t have a stable income, try to get money other ways for food. If I go out, I try to find someone to pay for me. Depending on who it is, I either tell them in advance of going out, (to be polite, like to my sister, or my father) or I don’t, just because being polite isn’t necessary in this situation (like to my brother, or my mother.) I never lend money, but when I’m hard up I try to hang out with my some friends who are bad with money and will end up paying for meals and drinks. However, I don’t advise skipping out on the bill–that’s kind of jerky.

4. Street hack. If you aren’t part of the privileged elite (middle-class and above, basically) I suggest to not be unemployed. You might end up living on the street.

5. The Mindset hack. Just because you’re unemployed, doesn’t mean you should be living an indolent, unenterprising lifestyle (although, to be totally honest, that’s what’s best about it.) As a general rule, get up before 5 p.m. and eat breakfast before 7 p.m. We advise looking for ways to make money…. Be creative! For example, if you have relatives who have prescription medicine, you could “lift it” and sell it to other people who might need/want it. Or just use it on your own to wile away the glorious, mind-balmy evening. And those warning labels don’t lie: alcohol may intensify the effect!

What are some of the ways you manage your unemployed life?

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Tips on living with your mom

It’s no secret that the economy is in the shitter. When things get tough, sometimes even the tough go home to their mommies. That’s all right. There’s no shame in that. Here are some things to keep in mind to make life easier for you. Here are some tips or “hacks” you can use with living with your mom.

Even though you don’t work, don’t give in to all her demands. For example, if she tells you to rake the lawn, feign a panic attack. Otherwise, she might get the wrong idea as to why you’re staying with her.

Don’t curse around her; be respectful! She’s letting you stay in her home.

Avoid TV times when embarrassing commercials are on. This is getting more and more difficult, as the commercials get filthier and filthier–but this is a crucial point. There are just some things we were not meant to think about when we are around our own mother. For example, there’s that new Trojan vibrator commercial–that is really awkward. Try to avoid the TV after 10pm. Hopefully she goes to bed before that. Avoid TV shows with filthy language, and don’t laugh at humor that has any innuendo.

Try to get out of her hair as often as possible. Hole up in your room for days, if not weeks at a time. Get your TV in there. If you don’t have a laptop, get some sort of computer in there, if you can afford it. Some guys are lucky and can get a basement where no mother roams except for laundry tasks. But that’s a false sanctuary–you never know when she’ll barge in and be curious about what you are looking at on your computer. And sometimes that’s bad because what you are looking at is pornograghy–and that’s embarrassing! Get a microwave and a mini-fridge. You can buy a stockpile of hotdogs, flour tortillas, American cheese and Gatorade–this can last you weeks, my friend! (If you’re really clever, you could fake a hunger strike to get sympathy.)

Don’t do netflix or any other snail-mail. You want to be self-reliant. If you do drugs, get one of your loser friends from High School to personally deliver them. Pretend you’re a prisoner receiving contraband.

Manage your various petty “annoyances.” You’re bound to annoy your mother in some way–there’s no getting around that. Even if you completely disappear from sight, she’ll still know you’re there in “her” house. In fact, she might even be annoyed that you aren’t spending anytime with her! (See the next tip on that.) The trick is to learn how to balance how, when and to what degree you annoy her to the point that you can manipulate almost every aspect of the mother-son dynamic. If she’s annoyed with how messy you are, try to get out of your room and do some cleaning at the same time she is getting home from work. (This is where I envy stay-at-home sons with OCD.) Distract her with things that will get her emotionally worked up. If you have similar political bents, you can get her on a tangent that will make her forget the grease stains all over the kitchen counter. For example, maybe you have an anti-government blog; name some outrageous corruption figures in connection with the spendocrats. Or if you have divergent political views, talk about how super-models are too skinny. You have to do SOME pandering. When all else fails, cry.

“Quality” Time. The inevitable (for many of us): Having to spend time with her. She may say it’s time to go get a cup of coffee because time is slipping by and she wants to have a heart-to-heart talk with her baby boy. If this is unavoidable, get her to take you to a restaurant. If you HAVE to spend time with her, at least you can get a premium hamburger out of the arrangement. (For me, that’s a deal breaker.)

I hope you have found these tips or “hacks” helpful. If you’re living with your mother, maybe you’ve discovered some ways to make life easier–put your tips in the comments. Or email me at banner.dannerbanner.danner822@gmail.com

Hacks for Life ™ presents “How-to” #1: Making a “life advice” website!

Hey there! If you’re reading this, you’re probably interested in life advice websites, and possibly even creating your own. You might find making a life advice website quite difficult, or even easy! But in the end the hard work will pay off!

Over the years, life advice websites, excluding this one, have become more and more popular.  Everyone seems to want to jump in the game now. Before you do though, we have some tips to give before you take the dive!

1. Get a website of some kind. This is a crucial step in creating a life advice website. These days there are a billion ways to get a website of some kind. Put your favorite way in the comments section!

2. Think of some kinds of advice you can give. Don’t pin yourself down–but try to limit your spectrum of topics, to 3, 4, or possibly more. You probably have some experience in life–keep this experience in mind as you write because you might use it in thinking of things to write about for your life advice website.

3. Don’t get distracted by the cool things on other “life advice” websites. This being said, you should peruse the “Big Boys” just to see what all the fuss is about. You might even get some inspiration.

4. Don’t piss off your audience. The old saying is don’t lick a gift horse in the mouth. That reminds us of that old commercial from the early aughts. Dude! You got a Dell! You remember that? Haha! That’s funny. (That was before we realized PCs were so, well, crappy.)

5. Take breaks and drink water. You don’t want to burn out on your first day of writing life advice. We suspect that some of the other life advice website writers and editors might consume coffee and/or other stimulants to make those deadlines! You might want to consider losing weight.

With these pointers, hopefully you can soon become a successful Editor/Writer of a life advice website!